Sunday, 04 October, 2009

I've been wanting to write about this particular topic for a while now. "Friends".

I recall one time where you wanted me to try smoking some shisha. I don't smoke anything. All I smoke is oxygen. I also remember telling you that I don't drink -- which I don't but do so only occassionally like Christmas -- and you said something like this, "but at Oscar's birthday you minum juga tu". I felt sensitive when you said that. It was as though I was lying? That is one of the very very rare occasions. I do like sacramental wine, sherry and screwdrivers afterall. That is alcohol but I really don't drink much. It was as though I was lying? I mean I told you that when we were at the "getting to know each other" stage.

We went out one night to Cempaka Square. I remember that I was sensitive -- yea I know, a lot of sensitive issues -- because I was teased for wanting milo. I felt sad that you were teasing along with them too. I felt like you should support me.

I talked to you about it when we were in front of 7/11 waiting for Memah and Affidz to talk it out in the car. We ended up arguing and when we dropped you home, you left without saying goodbye. I wanted to get out of the car and say goodbye but you walked away. You said afterwards that you thought I didn't want to say goodbye.

We talked more about the "milo" topic. I think -- as I am not sure -- that on that day itself Rajpal made things worse. I remember this one particular thing you said very clearly. You talked about how sensitive I was and said something like "how la this when we're with my friends". Don't worry, you will never have to worry about what your friends think of me because I will act in front of them.

I felt sad when you said that. It was as though you were worried about how they perceive me instead of how I feel. Sure I would probably be somewhat affected if they were in any way unfair towards me. But I would be silent about it for your sake and because it would be inappropriate to make an issue of it in front of them. Afterall, I care more about what you think of me rather than what other people think of me.

From what you tell me, they don't treat you very well. Well, they don't deserve your friendship. They don't deserve your presence. They are -- forgive me for saying this -- a bunch of low class @ssh*les. You are in my opinion above them.

Its alright if someone finds me boring. I don't really care. So what if I wanted milo over beer or margarita? That is my right and my choice. If people have a problem with that, they can skidaddle.

Sure if I am surrounded by people who are drinking and smoking, and if they start pressuring me, I have the choice to say no thank you or not be there in the first place. But if I get caught there anyway, they will just have to understand that I don't drink or smoke.

I feel that I am a loner and to be honest, that is fine with me. I am not saying that I am a complete loner because I do enjoy company but I just stopped enjoying company from my friends. It started when I was 13 I believe. It just gradually went down hill from there.

Don't get me wrong, I do think and believe to a certain degree that friends are good. Some "can" be dependable, loving, loyal, interesting and whatever you can hope for in a friend. I am neutral, I try my best to be nice to anyone but I just don't click with anyone.

I mean who wants to be friends with plain jane? Who wants to be friends with someone who gets nervous when talking? Who wants to be friends with someone who stays home all the time? Who wants to be friends with someone who doesn't go clubbing or drinking? Hey, isn't it the norm now to be out drinking, clubbing, smoking and what not. People are so shallow.

My policy is, you like me, I like you. If you don't, that's okay. I will still try to be my best to be nice to you but I am not gonna change myself.

I do have three friends I usually go to the mall or cinema with. But when I am with them, sometimes I feel like they leave me behind. They walk ahead of me or they talk without me. They tease me for being "blur" and gullible, and they tease me for not being good in Malay which by the way I think is completely useless because English is an international language. It used to somewhat bother me that they treat me this way but not anymore. I do care for them but I am just there for obligation now. Afterall, I doubt they really want me around. There is this one other very decent friend whom I don't see but just chat with.

I believe my feelings of not fitting in with people has always been there, even when I was much younger and I know it will always be there. It used to be so difficult to handle but now its okay. I prefer spending time with my little sister. Although she can be bitchy at times -- yea sometimes I wanna "pok giakai tiu" -- she is what I call a true friend. More than a friend, she is my sister. I can be who I am in front of her.

Apart from Nadia, there is you. I do truly enjoy your company as well. I can be myself but I admit that I'm still working on that. But for the most part, you are there for me in many ways. You are a sweet boy and I hope that you will always be sweet. I do remember what it was like otherwise. I want you to know that I do appreciate you. I do know that I am emotional and sensitive. I am sorry if there are so many negative stuff but I vent here. I have a lot pent up.

That took a while. Lack of privacy. Oh well. I have more to write but maybe another time.