I was thinking of deleting my blog. Again. I guess I'll just leave it here. Lately, I feel very off. That feeling has been gradually building. I just cannot put into words how I feel. I guess what really changed things was when I got sick (mild sickness) and my mom was angry and upset because it will cost money. From that, I have decided that I shall only ask for money when I truly need it. I shall not buy any Christmas presents with my parent's money. My mom wanted to get me something today but I made some excuse up.
I don't blame her. She has a lot to worry about. I do admit, I should take better care of my health, I should sleep earlier I guess. I would sleep early if I could but I can't.
I am tired of putting on a show for people who clearly do not deserve any form of attention from anyone. I am tired of caring the way I used to care about people in general. I am tired of paying attention to my emotions. I am tired of using my parent's money. I am tired of being a burden. I am tired of crying.
I shall only keep in touch with people who are worthwhile. Sure, when I see an old friend, I'll say, "hey". I'll smile. I may ask you "how you doing"? But I am not gonna go around hugging you and shit if you never actually liked me. If I ever posted any Facebook comments like, "oh I miss you" or "its been so long". Well, that was very stupid of me. I seriously wanna stop doing that shit. That's only meant for people who deserve it. I'll be polite. I'll talk to you if you talk to me.
I hated my primary school life. Six years of hell. I was such an idiot. It was all so embarassing. I remember crying for my mom when I was in primary one. I didn't want to be left alone. So so silly. Oh well. In time I got used to things. I think that I was too stupid and too nice to people. If I get bullied now, well, it was worse back then. The girls would mess with my hair. They'd take my lunch. Tease me. Man I hated it.
I also hated high school. Another 5 years of hell. I hated how I slowly fell apart in my studies. I couldn't do anything about it or rather I wasn't strong enough to handle it. I hated making my parents sad and worried about my grades. I hated how 99.9% of the girls were all power hungry. They were all so interested in being the star of the school and shit. All so dramatic and shit. I seriously do not find anything significant in St.Francis. All I remember were the whiny b*tches, dirty toilets, disgusting canteen, crappy old buildings, stupid rules, and of course my stupid grades. I am disgusted with myself if I ever participated in anything that would label me as power hungry. I doubt it anyway, I was plain jane. I am still plain jane but more wise I guess. Yes, I guess.
I feel like my whole existence is a waste of time, money, energy, oxygen, and whatever's similar to that.
I wished that I was not born. It would mean less money spent. Less energy. Less worrying. Less trouble. Less burden. Less carbon dioxide and less carbon monoxide (coming soon). HAHA. Less a lot of bad things.
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